The Deacon

Deacon Joe called my office seeking help for two couples he was preparing for marriage. While meeting alone with the man from the first couple, Deacon Joe learned that this man was struggling with compulsive pornography use. This man had not confessed this problem to his fiancé. He wanted to confess but was too afraid. The deacon knew their marriage could be invalid if they got married without her knowledge of this addiction. He needed to know how to advise the man to confess this struggle to his fiancée without damaging their relationship.

The man from the second couple also struggled with pornography addiction. In this situation, his fiancée was aware of it. However, she was deeply traumatized and questioned whether she should even think about marrying him. Deacon Joe needed to know how to direct them to get the help they needed for the addiction and their wounded relationship.

For many Catholic deacons, situations such as these are not uncommon. Often responsible for parish marriage and family ministries, deacons are confronted with these issues regularly. Many priests I’ve interviewed have told me that pornography use is the number one sin they hear in confession. Both priests and deacons are aware of how hurt wives, fiancées and girlfriends are when they learn of this addiction. Moreover, this is no longer just a men’s issue. More women are becoming addicted to pornography these days. Unfortunately, because of the deep shame they feel, few are brave enough to step forward and seek help.

Pornography addiction is the fastest-growing epidemic in America. Modern neuroscience has shown us that pornography is an addictive substance that has the same effect on the brain as cocaine. Pornography has become the new “drug of choice,” and millions are affected by it.

Here are some sobering statistics:
• 13% of all search engine requests are for sexual content.
• 10% of men will admit to being addicted to pornography.
• 55% of married men say they watch porn at least once a month.
• One-third of all visitors to pornographic websites are women.
• 25% of married women say they watch porn at least once a month.
• Most wives view their husband’s use of pornography as serious as an extramarital affair.
• Pornography is contributing to the further breakdown of the family.
• Pornography plays a significant role in over 50% of all divorces.
(Covenant Eyes, 2018; Eberstadt & Layden, 2010; Kleponis, 2019)

Catholics are in no way immune to this epidemic. Millions are becoming affected by it. There is a desperate need to address this issue to help restore Catholic marriages, families and individual lives. Deacons can play a key role in helping Catholics heal from the effects of pornography.

Impact on Marriages

Pornography use has a devastating effect on marriages. When a person discovers his/her spouse has been viewing pornography, it is usually met with shock and anger. While the pornography user may view pornography as little more than images on a computer screen, to the spouse they aren’t just images. They are real people! Thus pornography is not the harmless “adult entertainment” many people believe it to be. It is adultery.

Spouses of porn addicts often feel hurt and betrayed. To them, pornography use is as serious as an extramarital affair. The trust necessary for a healthy marriage is broken. All of a sudden, the spouse you believed you knew becomes a complete stranger. The ability to feel safe with the pornography user is gone. Spouses of pornography users also feel deeply rejected. Sexuality is a very private and intimate gift that is meant to be shared only with one’s spouse. It bonds a couple together and can bring about new life. With pornography, that special gift is shared with a complete stranger on a computer screen. This contributes to the deep betrayal felt by spouses (Kleponis, 2018).

Impact on Families

Pornography use and addiction can also have a dire impact on families. Because pornography plays a significant role in over 50% of all divorces, it can lead to the breakup of marriages and families. Thus it is a direct contributor to the breakdown of the family in America. It can also have a strong financial impact on families. A divorce can cause financial ruin. In addition, many people have lost jobs because of pornography use at work. Furthermore, there can be high legal costs if pornography use leads to illegal behaviors, such as viewing child pornography or soliciting sex from minors or prostitutes online.

The emotional damage to families because of pornography use can also be devastating. For example, when a teenage daughter learns that her father has been viewing pornography, it can shatter her image of her father. The man who was once her hero; the man who protected her, who attended her father-daughter dances, and who would eventually walk her down the aisle is now a stranger to her. She can no longer trust or feel safe with him. There can also be devastating effects for sons. When a son learns that his father has been viewing pornography, it can leave him with the wrong view of porn. Because his father uses porn, a young son may come to believe that pornography is okay, that it is something that all men do. This can lead him to use pornography and, as a result, believe it is okay to use women sexually.

Research has shown that men desire respect from their wives and children. However, when his family discovers his pornography use, it is very difficult for his wife or children to respect him. Regaining their trust and respect can take years.

Impact on Youths

Youths are most at risk for the negative effects of pornography because of their affinity for technology. It’s no secret that the most tech-savvy people in our society today are teens and young adults. Because the majority of all pornography is viewed online, youths are more susceptible to it, both males and females. The average age today when a child is first exposed to pornography is 8. The largest single population of internet pornography users are 12- to 17-year-olds. We need to protect young children from pornography and educate teens on the dangers of it (Kleponis, 2019).

Because many deacons are in charge of parish marriage and family ministries, they can have a direct impact on protecting marriages and families. They can also help those individuals, marriages and families that have been affected by pornography use.

The first thing deacons should do is educate themselves on the dangers of pornography for individuals, couples and families. They need to be aware of the pornography epidemic in America and its devastating effects. Deacons then need to educate their parishioners.

• Marriage Ministries: In marriage prep ministries — that is, pre-Cana programs — deacons can address the negative impact of pornography on marriages. My advice to deacons is to not be afraid to address this problem directly with couples. Most young people are well aware of the prevalence of porn on the internet. They need to know how this will negatively impact their marriage. Like the first couple above, they also need to know that hiding a pornography addiction can invalidate a marriage.

The problem of pornography also needs to be addressed in parish marriage-enrichment programs. Many parishes hold periodic events to help couples improve their marriages, such as Cana date nights. A theme for one of these events could be Protecting Marriages Online. Here is where a deacon can educate couples on the dangers of pornography to marriages. He can then provide information on how to protect marriages from porn. He can also offer resources for couples whose marriages are struggling because of pornography use.

• Family Ministries: Parishes can host periodic programs to help improve parenting skills. The theme of one such event could be Protecting Families Online. These events provide an excellent opportunity to educate parents on the dangers of pornography for kids and provide resources to help them protect their children. I have personally given these talks in many parishes throughout the United States, and they have been very well received.

• Youth Ministry: While this is a delicate area, youths also need to be aware of the dangers of pornography. Deacons can work with youth ministers and educators to develop age-appropriate programs to educate middle schoolers and high schoolers. The theme for such programs could be Protecting Yourself Online.

Helping Catholics Affected

Deacons need to educate themselves on the resources available to help individuals, families and couples who are struggling with the effects of pornography use. They need to be ready to refer parishioners to those resources when needed. They can include:

• Local therapists who are trained to treat sexual addiction.
• Local support groups for sexual addiction.
• Media: books, articles, websites, videos, podcasts, etc., from credible sources on pornography addiction and recovery.
• Web-based programs for recovery
• www.IntegrityRestored.com: an excellent Catholic resource on the dangers of pornography and a resource for addiction recovery.
• www.PeterKleponis.com: A Catholic website designed to help those affected by pornography addiction.

Most dioceses have an Office of Marriage and Family Life. Because finding helpful resources can be a challenge, I recommend seeking the help of the staff of that office. If a diocese has a Catholic Social Services Agency, they, too, can help locate valuable resources in the diocese for parishioners. The good news is that new resources are continually becoming available to help people fight the scourge or pornography. With careful research, deacons can keep abreast of these resources and offer valuable help to parishioners.

Deacons can also host parish and diocesan conferences to educate clergy and laity on the dangers of pornography. I have traveled throughout the United States and internationally equipping Catholics with the tools to win the battle against pornography through my Protecting Families Online conference program.

Spiritual Direction

Although they are not therapists or experts in addiction, some deacons may want to take a more personal role in helping people affected by pornography addiction. They can do this through spiritual direction.

Most people who are successful in recovery will readily admit they couldn’t have done it without God’s help. Grace is a necessary ingredient for healthy recovery. However, many people enter recovery with little or no relationship with God. They may attend Mass regularly, but they do not have a close intimate relationship with God. Deacons can help them develop this relationship through spiritual direction. To do this, deacons may need to obtain additional training in spiritual direction.

I recommend people in recovery meet with a spiritual director once a month for about 45 minutes. During these sessions, they can discuss their relationship with God, the strengths and weaknesses of that relationship, and what they can do to deepen their relationship with God.

Deacons can also help parishioners return to the sacraments. Because of their deep shame, many addicted people avoid going to confession and Communion. Through spiritual direction, deacons can help addicted people overcome their shame enough to go to confession and then begin receiving the Eucharist again. Deacons can even help schedule a private meeting with the pastor for confession. This can help addicted individuals not just in recovery, but in every area of life.

Some deacons may want to make helping people affected by pornography addiction a special part of their ministry. To do this, they can become Pastoral Sex Addiction Professionals (PSAPs). This certification is offered by the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). The PSAP certification is designed to equip ministry professionals who are encountering sexual issues in their congregations. Training for this certification provides “practical tools and cutting-edge education to assist ministry professionals in responding effectively, biblically, and compassionately to individuals struggling with sexual issues,” according to the IITAP website. For more information on this program, see www.iitap.com/page/PSAP.

Struggling Deacons

Deacons are human, too, and thus not immune to the dangers of pornography. I have worked with many deacons who themselves were addicted to pornography. For these men, seeking help can be especially difficult. Because of their positions, they are seen as moral leaders in the Church. Thus the shame they feel because of their addiction is extremely acute.

I encourage any deacon who is struggling with pornography addiction to seek help. Locate a therapist in your area who is trained to treat sexual addictions. There are many great recovery programs across the United States. Thanks to modern technology, even deacons in remote areas can participate in a recovery program remotely. Recovery from any addiction takes time and work; however, success is possible. You can overcome an addiction to pornography! What’s more, your experience in recovery can actually help you in your ministry. You will truly understand the pain of addiction and what it does to individuals, marriages and families. This will help you minister more effectively to those who are affected by this and many other addictions.

Altogether, deacons are in a tremendous position to help Catholics win the war against pornography. They can teach and preach about the dangers of pornography. They can provide resources to protect marriages and families. Moreover, they can be a resource for those who are affected by this addiction. I encourage all deacons to make pornography addiction prevention and recovery part of their ministries.

DR. PETER KLEPONIS is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and director of Integrity Counseling Services in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.