The Deacon

We’ve all heard the instructions, which seems like a million times, as we’re sitting in our seats and the plane is moving along the runway getting ready to take off. The flight attendants remind those traveling with children that should there be an emergency and an oxygen mask is required, the adult is to adjust their own mask first before attending to the little person with them. The idea is that you will not do your child or grandchild much good if you’re struggling for air yourself.

The application of the emergency use of an oxygen mask is a great analogy for those of us in ministry and was told to me during a recent interview on my radio program by Julie and Greg Alexander of the Alexander House in San Antonio, Texas — www.thealexanderhouse.org. Julie and Greg are Catholic marriage coaches and remind couples under their guidance that you can’t give what you don’t have. It is crucial for couples to make sure they’re getting fed spiritually, as well as taking good care of themselves in general to truly have a healthy fulfilling relationship.

Care of Matters at Home

Julie and Greg also stressed that some of the worst offenders of this necessary effort are those in ministry, and, yes, deacons are hardly immune to this habit of taking care of everyone else before taking care of themselves and matters at home.

As an example for my listeners, they shared the story of a deacon’s wife they met during a speaking event a few years ago. Their retreat was about to begin when suddenly, the woman ran up to them with a very distraught look on her face, her voice filled with frustration. “The only reason I am here today,” she told them, “is because this is the only way I get to see my husband. He spends most of his time here and not with our family.”

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Web Resource

For Your Marriage, www.foryourmarriage.org, is a resource offered by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops to help couples at all stages of life to understand and live God’s plan for happy, holy marriages. The resource contains content for those dating and engaged, and those married, and offers tips for family life and parenting.

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During our diaconate formation in the Archdiocese of Detroit we were told repeatedly: “Family, work, diaconate.” Why is the case of the deacon’s wife described by the Alexanders often not the exception but the rule?

This issue of ministers needing ministering came up again when Deacon Dom, my husband, and I were leading a retreat for couples from across the country. The couples were members of the laity who have been leading marriage preparation for years, some even decades. However, it was obvious during our question-and-answer session that there was another group of people charged with instructing the Faith in dire need of that spiritual oxygen mask.

The written questions we were asked to address included unforgiveness, a lack of communication, dealing with pride in a spouse — and, again, these are couples responsible for helping young men and women get ready to walk down the aisle. Although it was certainly a good and healthy thing for these leaders to have the opportunity to seek insight and support, it was another reminder that the givers also need to receive.

Busyness

Several years ago, there was an interesting survey conducted by a Protestant pastor and researcher. The Obstacles to Growth Survey collected information from more than 20,000 Christians from around the world and found that more than 4 in 10 Christians admit they are so busy running from task to task that their busyness impacts their relationship with God. This report found that faith leaders were hardly exempt from busyness being an obstacle to God.

Some 54% of pastors described themselves as basically running around like the proverbial chickens with their heads cut off, and 65% said their jam-packed schedules hinder their efforts to get closer to Christ.

And it doesn’t take a Thomas Aquinas, an Augustine or a Catherine of Siena to figure out the fallout of this type of lifestyle. If we’re so busy doing God’s work that it is preventing us from connecting with him, we’re going to have similar problems with the other relationships we are called to cherish and protect.

These concerns need to be addressed now that the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has developed new guidelines for marriage prep, based on the 2022 Vatican document “Catechumenal Pathways for Married Life” (OSV, $9.95).

The document breaks down the formation process into three phases, similar to the process of those interested in entering into the Church. Certainly, the laity is being called to get involved, but, no doubt, deacons in many ways will be leading this charge given the shortage of priests and their increased responsibilities.

Helpful Practices

To make sure our own relationships, our relationship with God and our marriage relationship, are strong, we can start by asking ourselves a few basic questions and incorporating or reincorporating some helpful practices.

• Research shows couples who pray together not only stay together, but also have more satisfying and joyful marriages. How is your prayer life, and your prayer life as a couple?

• Being together means more than just being in the same room. When is the last time you as a deacon couple did something for your marriage away from the parish or ministerial responsibilities?

• The Obstacle to Growth Survey is one of the most detailed studies to have shown alarming statistics of just how frenetic life can be for believers, including ordained ministers. What task or task can you delegate to allow more time for God and family?

As deacon couples, we all know we are unique witnesses of the Catholic faith. Because of our state in life as married couples, we are called to shine brightly for this beautiful sacrament of service. There is no time like the present, therefore, to breathe in deeply all the blessings the Lord offers us through our spouses so we can help others do the same, providing a true breath of fresh air in the Catholic Church.

TERESA TOMEO is the host of “Catholic Connection,” produced by Ave Maria Radio, and the author of “Beyond Sunday: Becoming a 24/7 Catholic” (OSV, $14.95). She is married to Deacon Dom Pastore, an ordained deacon in the Archdiocese of Detroit.

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Going Deeper into ‘Catechumenal Pathways for Married Life’

In every age, the Church must proclaim anew the beauty and abundance of grace contained in the Sacrament of Matrimony. Beginning with his apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia, Pope Francis has expressed his desire for the Church to offer a better and more thorough preparation of engaged couples for marriage. “Catechumenal Pathways for Married Life” (OSV, $9.95), which was written by the Dicastery of Laity, Family and Life, provides pastoral guidelines for dioceses and parishes to prepare couples for marriage. With many deacon couples serving their parishes in marriage-preparation ministry, this guide answers Pope Francis’ call for a broad approach to enable couples to celebrate the Sacrament of Matrimony with greater awareness, beginning with an experience of faith and personal encounter with Jesus. By investing renewed energy toward this effort, the Church can help couples understand the gift of the sacramental nature of marriage, the meaning of spousal love and marriage as their authentic vocation.

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