The Deacon

Marriage in Christ and the ordination of a man into the servant mysteries of Christ as deacon form an integral sign. This sign points to what the Bridegroom- Servant Christ enacted in the Incarnation. The Sacrament of Matrimony images Christ loving his bride, the Church, and the Sacrament of Holy Orders allows Christ to continue his ministerial presence serving the spiritual and corporal needs of humanity. These two sacraments come together in the body of the one man, the spouse-deacon. When the sacraments come together in this way, a married deacon becomes a sign of Christ’s own spousal commitment even unto death, and a sign that such love for wife and Church (marriage) manifests itself in concrete service to his wife’s real needs and the real needs of parishioners (diaconal ministry).

The life and ministry of Christ became a window into the inner life of the Holy Trinity. This life is a circulation of love. And our entry into the sacramental life continues to keep this window open. Each deacon and each husband and wife draw their capacity to love from the power of sacramental grace. This grace is a participation in the love and life of God. Participating in this vocational grace, deacons and spouses become holy.

Such sanctity is a witness, eliciting wonder in others as they see fruit in the character and action of those being configured to Christ. Such is the spousal nature of Christianity. Sacramental marriage can only be understood by considering Christ and his own spousal self-emptying upon the cross. It is such self-emptying that is celebrated, re-presented and participated in when any man and woman enter sacramental marriage. This marriage receives its meaning from the Eucharistic liturgy; Calvary becomes resurrection celebrated in signs and symbols. The Mass is a wedding, and all other weddings that want to flourish receive their orienting truth and sufficient power by yielding to the Mass and surrendering in participation to the Mass’ same action: “The Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve” (Mt 20:28). Inside marriage is hiding not only a cross, but a diaconal-shaped cross. Inside the Mass is Christ sharing with his bride, the Church, his own diakonia, his ministry of self-forgetfulness.

All the baptized are called to mount this diaconal cross of service, of self-forgetfulness in the face of human need, and, therefore, be affected by and respond to human suffering. But only one is called to be configured to this aspect of Christ’s own spousal self-donation and enflesh it liturgically. And that is the deacon.

In the liturgy, at the ambo, and as he assists the priest at the altar, the deacon reveals through prayer and proclamation the servant mysteries of Christ. These mysteries then extend themselves to those in need by way of the deacon’s body ministering beyond the altar. The deacon is the only person beside the priest who can proclaim the Gospel — that is, speak the very words of Jesus — within liturgical prayer. This is why he is ordained. He can be Christ’s voice in the liturgy as salvation is being proclaimed and offered. Christ inhabits the voice of the deacon; and through him, Christ continues to reveal his mission of self-donation in every age. The deacon is to possess an eager availability not to simply speak the words of Christ, but to enflesh them in action when the liturgy has concluded.

A Wife’s Insights

To enter this mystery of being one who proclaims the servant mysteries of Christ, one must first possess a desire to know who Christ is, an attraction to his identity and mission. Considering this desire, the Church confirms whether or not that man possesses sufficient character to become a bridge to Christ for others. Many times, it is not the Church (meaning parish clergy or members) but the man’s spouse who first recognizes the presence of this character. She may approach her husband and ask if he ever noticed an attraction to ordination. After this, many conversations on discernment commence.

After a husband expresses interest in ordination, a wife may be both frightened by and attracted to such a reality. What often instills fear in her is the time commitment demanded of a man in holy orders. Will his seeking holy orders be a threat to the couple’s intimacy, communication and shared presence? What sometimes attracts the wife to having a husband in holy orders is her own love of God and the potential for a deepening of the faith within them as a couple and with their children.

Is her fear warranted? It could be, especially if the diocese does not screen out affectively immature men or men who confuse “doing more” with a commitment to God. Affective immaturity will manifest itself as “activism” in many men. This type of man needs to see progress in his résumé, an accumulation of achievements giving him an identity that others can admire. He has set his eye on the diaconate as his next acquisition. Such a man would, indeed, threaten the stability of a marriage if he added yet another round of activities to his already busy life. The greater issue, however, is that the marriage is already threatened by the other commitments engaging him, those fueling his cultural, as opposed to his theological, identity.

The wife’s fear could also be warranted if she knows of weaknesses in her husband’s faith life that remain unspoken between her and her husband. Perhaps she knows that her husband has little or no prayer life. He does not read Scripture or engage in spiritual reading. He has little interest in the Mass beyond attending on Sunday. Could a man without these indications of a lively interior life really be called to holy orders? She may also know of defects in his life of virtue that ought to be strengthened before any inquiry or application to enter holy orders is initiated. Finally, her fears may be well founded because his paternal commitment is weak, or he possesses a strained relationship with his children. All these things and more would be enough for her fears to be reasonable.

Tell Us About Your Husband

For all these reasons and more, one of the first steps any diocese should take in considering a man’s inquiry at the vocation office is substantive feedback from his wife. I think a questionnaire such as this would aid any director of deacons and his bishop to discern if an application should be granted:

1. Please describe your husband’s prayer life.
2. How often do you and your husband speak together at a level that intimately bonds you?
3. Have you ever felt lonely in your marriage? Why or why not?
4. Describe your husband’s understanding of fatherhood. Describe how his fatherhood is concretely expressed.
5. What is your husband’s weakness regarding his ability to make you know you are loved and secure?
6. What aspect of your husband’s personality is off-putting to you or others?
7. When did your husband last go to confession?
8. Do you and your husband ever pray together outside of attending Mass? How is this prayer structured? How often do the two of you pray? For how long do you pray?
9. What was the last spiritual book your husband read?
10. What emotions (for example, anger, envy, egocentric ambition, lust, sadness, etc.) displayed by your husband to you or others most concern you and why?
11. Would you say your husband is a “hard worker”? What does this mean to you? How is this behavior expressed?
12. Would you describe your husband as a “loner”? Does your husband have any close male friends?
13. Does your husband have to be the center of attention at parties?
14. When was the last time someone sought your husband out to seek advice regarding a personal or important matter? How did you feel about this?
15. Does your husband demonstrate that your marriage is a top priority in his life? Give a recent example.
16. How often is your husband out of the home each week because of job responsibilities? How often is he out of the house due to parish commitments or volunteering opportunities?
17. How many hours a week does your husband work?
18. Do you have any concerns regarding your husband’s ability to integrate family life with diaconal responsibilities?
19. Have you ever witnessed your husband drunk in public or under the influence of illegal drugs? If yes, describe the circumstances as you know them.
20. Do you have knowledge of your husband viewing pornography within the last two years? If yes, describe the circumstances as you know them.
21. Does your husband exhibit the virtue of chastity in word and behavior?
22. Have you ever been embarrassed or humiliated by your husband’s behavior in public? If yes, please describe the circumstances.
23. How receptive is your husband to criticism from you? From authority?
24. Is there a pattern of demeaning behavior toward you from your husband ( for example, he minimizes your opinions, teases you excessively, makes you the butt of jokes, is sarcastic toward you, repeatedly interrupts your speaking, etc.)?
25. Do you see priests respecting your husband?
26. How will your friends and family react when they learn your husband is in diaconal formation?
27. Why do you remain a Catholic?

Discerning Motives

Recognizing that a man possesses a growing desire to seek ordination, the diocese should also consult his wife about whether or not she is attracted to living in a diaconal marriage. She may, in fact, experience a real draw to welcoming the vocation of holy orders into her marriage. Building upon her emotionally mature and spiritually intimate relationship with her husband, a wife may detect that this call will bring both her and her husband even closer to God and to one another. The process of formation could be an occasion for deepening all the good that is already present within their solid commitment to each other. In discussion with other wives or deacons, she is encouraged to follow her attraction and to share with her husband her vision of what life in a diaconal marriage would look like. An attraction to such a gift as holy orders commingling with her marriage is worth praying about and seeking spiritual direction over.

Conversely, the Church and the husband must be cautious about any wife who initiates the process for a man to seek ordination — cautious in the sense that she may be wanting it more than he does. Just as an immature man may want to add holy orders to his resume, a woman may want her husband to become a deacon for immature or self-involved reasons. Perhaps she believes that having a husband who is a deacon would raise her worth in the eyes of the local church, or she sees it as her chance to stand out, to possess an identity that is admired by others in the community. This immature initiation of a vocation is different from a wife supporting her husband’s attraction. It may even be that sometimes a wife sees a deacon in her husband before he does. To mention this insight to the husband is different from her encouraging him to explore it for her own self-involved reasons.

In all this, we know that both husband and wife may have mixed motives in the pursuit of a diaconal vocation. It’s rare that any of our choices is ignited by completely pure motives. Yes, one ought to want to be a deacon to become a herald of the Gospel, but a man also may derive some pleasure from entering the clerical state and increasing in stature within the parish community. These more subtly impure motives can be healed during the formation process. In fact, that is one of the reasons formation exists, to heal the movement of our relentless egos trying their best to take center stage even in a commitment that, by its very nature, is about serving others through the grace of God.

DEACON JAMES KEATING, Ph.D., is professor of spiritual theology at Kenrick-Glennon Seminary, St. Louis, Missouri.